The teleseminar last week was so interesting… and I’m grateful to Julie & Brit for sharing their Facebook Problems with us live on the call. There were always ways to go ‘over the line’ in a relationship and get involved inappropriately with members of the opposite sex, but sites like Facebook.com make it so easy… it’s just on the computer…
How Facebook Problems Start
It starts as an innocent conversation, maybe with a long-lost high school friend. You get connected again, and all the talk about old times and fun things you did…. then somebody says something with a little sexual innuendo. It’s fun.. harmless..right? Well, maybe not. Then once the door to more intimate conversation is open, it tends to escalate, and before you know it, you may even make plans to meet, date or even become physically sexual… all outside the awareness of your partner or spouse.
You’re in the Danger Zone!!
If you are married or in a committed relationship, it’s very important to maintain your integrity and honesty. Make no mistake; when you are acting on being sexually interested in someone other than your spouse or partner, that is a form of ‘cheating’. The damage from that decision can be far reaching. Regardless of how innocently it starts, if you’re using facebook.com or something like it to carry on an inappropriate interest in someone else, you’re over the line.
Another couple in trouble…
Just yesterday another couple came in with a similar issue. He had been caught emailing an old high school girlfriend. Just a few emails not even a dozen all together over a few month’s time. But when the last couple of them turned sexual (his old girlfriend was going through a divorce and was feeling lonely) he got in over his head and now they’re thinking of divorce because the trust was so damaged.
The best plan
The best thing to do is think ahead: what will the outcome of this action be? Or even better, ask yourself honestly: “Would I write this same email or post this on some one’s wall in facebook if my wife or husband (or significant partner) were standing right there watching me?” If the answer is no, you probably shouldn’t hit ‘send’.
Do you have similar Facebook Problems?
If you’ve been through something like this, I’d love to hear what your experience was. Did it work out in the end? Did you and your partner work together to get past the trust problem and make your relationship better? Or, did it mark the end of the relationship?
Julie Nise,
Houston Counseling
I am a married woman of 41 tears of age and that superpokin is stupid but my husband used it to blow a kiss at my best friend and cuddle her it has caused much heart ache I HATE IT
I was in a 26 month relationship with my partner. His excessive use in Facebook drove me crazy, it all started out innocent…. just wanting to stay closer in touch with his daughter overseas. More than a year ago.. when face was really coming out, we both said no way, we don’t do those site. The aim was to stay connected with his daughter. We had created one facebook acct under my name, filled it with a ton of photos, added my friends, family and his as well… well one day he decided to get his own, which was fine. This was Dec.2008, today is April 9th. His addiction to this site was growing each and every week, his jobs around the house weren’t being done, he would access facebook at work, would waste sooooo much time playing stupid games on this site. Months of arguing about it.. pleading with him to prioritize it… in moderation, not 5 hrs a day… I just started seeing a difference in him, found out my suspicions were correct, oh the flirting with other women from his past, friends of relatives etc.. you name it, he was into it. So after about 3 months of this….. it came to blow up in our face. We snapped….. our relationship is over and facing assault charges……… his addiction took over, facebook was more important than his family, his house, his job.. well now he has no family except his 1 child, he has lost us, he will probably lose his house because he has no job, no money….. all in the name of staying connected with the wrong people.
I think that people should grow up and realize that adults can make up their own minds and if the person that is getting the receiving end of the “flirtatious” accusations isn’t responding, then who cares. People are too wrapped up in other peoples lives. What is written on facebook or other social networks can be and often are misunderstood. People often joke around in a flirtatious way and means nothing.
I agree with past said, I’m out of a 14 year relationship that would have been fine otherwise.
I have been emotionally abandonded for fanticies for a year and then physically abandoned for a scuzzy guy . It’s fantcy island for people who are weak emotionally. I’m prime rib not hamburger so this is going to be a big let down for the chatroom looser in my life.
Hey everyone, greetings from Dublin. This is a cool blog. I’m wondering if you have any advice about staying out of the friend zone with girls? I’m really tired of girls telling me they just want to be friends. Maybe I’m being too much of a nice guy?
Why would my wife have any need to hide her wall and set it to private? Why does my wife get upset when I ask her why she has her page set to private? Is there something she’s not comfortable with me seeing? Is there something that she has to have private from her husband that she’s ashamed of? Why all of a sudden? Why does my wife have one of her favorite sites posted as a “marriage and sex book” that does not reflect Godly standards for marriage, yet the book is really camouflaged as a healthy book for marriage? Is this some kind of joke?
Why do I have to ask my wife “may I see your facebook page?” Why does she pause and say “ok, just a minute….”, then I have to wait while she deletes or hides whatever it is that she didn’t want me to see at the moment I asked? Why is it later maybe after a few days of her staying on her toes just in case I asked to see her facebook page, would my wife respond to me (after asking may I see your page?) would she say “oh sure,” knowing that she’s hidden all the incriminating things about her communication with some other guy or girl for that fact from me?
I hope other guys are not going through what I’m going through, but you know…if she is having an affair emotionally (if not physically) with another guy…it will come to light.
I have been dating this guy for about a year and we have recently begun seriously considering marriage. I have always known that he has a FB account but since I do not have an account, I had never seen his page – until recently. I walked in when he was logged on and to my surprise his friends were 80% female and were leaving pics of themselves as well as very flirtatious message on his wall- all of which he said were just his “friends” being “silly”. I honestly want no parts of this world, and am well aware of the fact that I am jealous – would I be extreme to leave a relationship that has marriage potential over FB? (BTW, I’ve asked for him to delete it to which he replied, “there is no need to delete it”)
Corey;
I just read your post, and had some thoughts for you… there are a couple of things wrong in your picture! First is, if you truly are jealous – you need to fix that BEFORE you get married. Being jealous (look up the definition: showing envy or irrational suspicion) is about YOU not him. You don’t want to enter marriage which requires selflessness, forgiveness, grace and patience when you are not demonstrating those things toward your partner. It’s ok if you disagree about something like FB – it will become one of the many things you have come up that you both need to figure out and resolve in a healthy way. Look at your solution: bail out! That option doesn’t seem to be a very good strategy if you truly love someone. Yes, it is extreme! Working it out together in a calm, respectful way is the option you want to go for.
As far as your boyfriend goes, I don’t think he has his eye on the ball if he thinks it’s ok to have suggestive, flirtatious messages or photos of other women on his FB. If he respects the woman he’s with, he won’t want to do anything that causes her to be uncomfortable, but you want to be careful – you’re not the “police” of him. One of the things you want to observe is how he respects you…. how he deals with respect toward you should be one of your criteria as to whether he’s ready for marriage or not. You don’t want to marry a “little boy” who enjoys the flattery and attention of other women to the point where he leaves you feeling left out. Notice, though, if your threats to leave the relationship so quickly and abandon him are something he takes seriously, it could be the very reason he’s keeping his other options open. I would if I thought my partner had one foot out the door every time we disagreed…. wouldn’t you?
Hi Tony;
Well, you’re in a pretty serious situation. You have a lot of ‘why…’ questions, but my sense is the answer to all of those comes down to a central theme… your wife is clearly being pulled from the ‘Godly standards’ you mention of how to conduct herself as a married woman. I am certainly not any sort of religious expert, but I feel strongly that there is a wonderful and specific standard of behavior and structure of how husbands and wives should behave, much of which is biblically based, and you wife is off the mark. As you probably know, your job as the man is to stay focused, and don’t let her pull you off you center or focus. Regardless of what she does, your job remains the same – be the strength and safety for her to turn to. Relax and realize she may be influenced by negative forces or people who are pulling her away from her commitment and covenant. Don’t chase her approval or allow her to be in charge of the direction of your marriage. Much of what immature women do in relationships is TEST the guy… not necessarily on purpose or consciously – but test they will in order to see if you’re safe and strong and can take the storming of their emotions and acting out. PASS THE TEST TONY! You are the leader whether or not she’s following you at the moment. Continue to be the voice of reason (not criticism or fear) and pray that she finds her way back to your positive intention.
Good luck to you and please make certain you’re correctly connected to your faith in this time of stress.
Hey Coy!
Glad you like the site. I love Ireland and I’m so glad you joined us! My husband and I were in Belfast and the north of Ireland just a couple of summers ago and had a fabulous time.
So I guess I need to explain that if a girl says anything about being your friend, she’s definitely not into you. It’s ok to be a ‘nice guy’ but you don’t want to be a sap. If it’s a girlfriend your after, don’t waste time with anyone who mentions the ‘friend’ word. There are many girls who will find you attractive and want to be with you in a romantic way. Make sure you know what traits you want in a girlfriend (not just looks!!) and stay focused on finding those things you want in the girls you meet. Don’t agree to be a friend if you want more. It’s very attractive to a girl when a guy is ‘on a mission’ and very confident about what he wants. Be that guy!
Hi,
I’ve been with my boyfriend on and off for about 2.5 years. Facebook has always been a problem between us. He has had way more sexual partners then I have (he’s 6 years older then me, I’m 22, hes 28) and all of them seem to be on his friends list. When we first started dating and things weren’t serious, I saw msg that he had sent to other girs that were very sexual and suggestive. I also know that during our time of not being together, he was permiscuos, when I wasn’t. Now we live together and seem to fight all the time about facebook. I find it very difficult to not look at his page and see who he’s been adding, and it always seems to be a very good looking woman, which makes up for about 80% of his friends list. He owns a hair salon, so he says he adds them as potential clients for business and networking. He doesnt like to be on facebook in front of me, its always when he’s in the bath or after I go to bed. I’ve walked out into the living room after he though i was in bed and as soon as he saw me he quickly hides his phone. I saw that he was on facebook looking at pictures of other girls and another time he was having a conversation with someone, I never found out who. Then he turns around and yells at me for “sneeking up on him”. He heard a statistic that facebook raised the national divorce rate by 20%, after he heard that he told me he wanted to delete his profile and that he wanted me to delete mine too. A couple weeks went by and he never deleted his. He then got mad at me for suggesting it, because he doesn’t feel that he should have to delete it just to make me happy. IT WAS HIS IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! Ive recently deleted me account because it just causes too many problems. He always gets mad at me for “stalking” his profile and always wanting to know who his new friends are. I’m very confused!!!
Hi Gen;
Well, I’m shocked you’re confused!
Your boyfriend is being quite clear on what’s important to him, and very obvious about how he wants to handle his relationships with other women. There doesn’t seem to be any inconsistency on his part at all, and he also does not show any inclination to change. WAKE UP! You’re in a relationship with a guy who has other values and agendas, and they don’t match up with yours. Living together is a very bad decision by the way…especially if you’re wanting a committed relationship. You started a fling with this guy when you were still a teenager…which means you had no real life experience and your judgement wasn’t matured. You’ve now devoted a big chunk of time and your emotions into a relationship that’s going in two very different directions, and instead of seeing what’s in front of you, you complain about it and make him the bad guy. If you’re with a guy who doesn’t share your vision of how the relationship should be, isn’t ready or willing to commit to you and be accountable for the effects of his decisions on you, MOVE ON! Bitching about it won’t change anything. You’re wasting time. You need to get out and date around (not sleep around) and use dating for the purpose it is intended: to meet and get to know as many guys as you can so that you can easily and accurately determine if they have ‘long term potential’. In other words, you need to get good at checking out how your dating partners goals and personalities and values match up with yours, and when they don’t instead of trying to “change him” over to your way of thinking,(the usual girl thing to do) GET ON DOWN THE ROAD! It’s a big world out there. Your boyfriend isn’t that into you. Go find somebody who is.
Hi,
I have been with my BF for over a year now & I recently friend requested him after my phone broke & I was sending him a message on Facebook. Well I friend requested him & I thought maybe he didn’t see the email/messages yet. (his internet was off) But I went back on to check & it was brand new saying request him as a friend! So he ignored or deleted my request & I am very hurt as I was planning moving to his city to be closer. (we live 100miles apart now) I don’t want to confront him because it is truly embarrassing to me that I have to even talk about this! I feel worth sooo much more. He hasn’t brought it up or said I didn’t accept it or anything. Plus I saw a Old female he used to mess with & found explicit pictures years ago on his MP3 player that he wasn’t ashamed of or apologetic for me seeing! I feel he shouldve apologized & said I will erase them. This female commented on one of his pictures saying she was thinking about him too, as the pic showed him thinking per se. Something about a man that hides stuff, cell phone on lock 24/7, set the privacy so I couldn’t see any pics or his wall on Facebook. Damn shame how I feel, and you supposed to be in a serious committed relationship!? Yea ok!
Hello, I am 26 years old and have been married for 5 years. Facebook, Myspace, and AOL instant messenger and have caused significant damage to our relationship. I have felt hurt, betrayed, and any other painful emotion because of bad experiences with these sites. I don’t even like these sites and don’t have my own but my wife has all of them and I always find myself spying on her sites absolutely hating what I see. There are extremely sexy pictures of her, guys making sexual and disrespectful comments to her, and comments from guys that would suggest their the best of friends (who I’ve never met). These sites have made me jealous and insecure and I keep warning her that it will break us up. I have wrongly and sneakily gotten her password to each of her accounts and signed into them once justifying my fears by finding some horrible things such as her sending pictures to strangers of her in lingerie. I dont know what to do, I’ve told her that if she wants to be with me she is gonna have to get rid of the sites, but she has no interest in doing that. It sounds weird but this otherwise loving and very close relationship has been significantly injured due to facebook, myspace, and instant messenger.
my bf constantly sits on facebook and is always chatting to other girls etc etc, getting really close to them , having his deep and meaningfulls on there but I get none of that at all. We used to talk a lot. We used to have deep and meaningfulls, he used to post to me on facebook and say nice things. He is constantly adding new girls to his facebook profile but they always seem to be really hot ones which he denies totally and says he just adds people th
my bf constantly sits on facebook and is always chatting to other girls etc etc, getting really close to them , having his deep and meaningfulls on there but I get none of that at all. We used to talk a lot. We used to have deep and meaningfulls, he used to post to me on facebook and say nice things. He is constantly adding new girls to his facebook profile but they always seem to be really hot ones which he denies totally and says he just adds people that he thinks are “pleasant ” to talk to and to whom he has interesting conversations with but he adds girls that he hardy even knows…that isnt even close mates with him- for example he met a girl at my sis bday and had a convo with her then the next day he added her and started chatting mentioning to me “he was interested in what she studied- child physcology, nothing else. But the thing is this sorta thing happens a lot of the time and I hardly see him the way I used to, he has little or no interest in me yet he says he loves me. i hate facebook. I get plenty of opp with other guys but I never act on it or randomly add them then have huge facebook chats with them. I understand friends etc…but he thinks I am a jealous controlling relationship- he also constantly talks to other girls about our relationship when we are having problems…i only ever talk to my girl mates…never to the guys.
Hi Grumpy Girl;
How about we cut to the chase? You don’t actually have a bf. You have a guy that hangs out with you (probably with benefits) and has a lot of superficial relationships with other girls. That means to him, you are NOT valuable or very important. He is still “playing” and you’re trying to be serious.
Cut this guy loose and go spend your time and invent your heart with someone who wants you – not a bunch of other girls to talk to. If a guy really likes you, he won’t want anyone else. But it is up to you to set the standard for what you will or won’t put up with. Men will usually act just about as well or as badly as their women expect and require. You haven’t expected too much from this guy… or maybe you expected more but tolerated it when he didn’t deliver. Give him the boot! He is being very disrespectful.
Good luck!
Julie
To Annoyed: Yes people can joke around in a flirtatious way and it means nothing: But if you are in a relationship with someone you set boundaries on facebook, and my (now) ex boyfriend and I had even talked about it. If anyone posted anything that made the other one uncomfortable it would be deleted. Now he “likes” all of these flirtatious comments and makes some of his own. And he deleted me because I’m “too jealous” Yes I can get jealous but in my opinion this is way over the top and just shows complete disrespect for me and the relationship.
Facebook damage relationships, i just broke up with my boyfriend, adn as soon he change he’s facebook to single he start putting messages in other womans profiles, is stupid he lost a beutiful woman because facebook,i hate that page
I am not on Facebook, but my 24 year old daughter is. She is constantly complaining that her grandmother is “stalking” her trying to communicate with her. The truth is that she does not want to have to communicate with her grandmother for whatever reason. Any advice to a dad of a daughter that insists on dumping on him about such an “insignificant” problem – at least in the dad’s eyes.
Hi! I have been in and out of a relationship for 6 yrs and recently he wanted his family back and we are trying it again (2 children involved). We both have soical networking pages and the plan was to start over and fresh. He asked to try again and relocate our family away from the area where we currnetly are. We thought it would be to much to erase our FB pgs and change a phone numbers as we are lookig for new empolyment and keep in touch with family throught fb.
3 great wks went past and things we perfect! All of the sudden my bday comes and of course I get tons of wishs for a great birthday on my wall but none any personal then others. He admits to being very jealous and his trust is now outthe door but not once have i done anything to seems untrustworthlty.
He thinks back to a separtion and all the “things” that he;s heard which are very untrue about my sexaul past and says that i should ahve deleted all my male friends becua i have be intamite with them all(again completly untrue). He has a problem with flirting but it comes natural so I dont make much fuss about the comments he make to other woman becuase i thought i knew his heart.
*sidenote* in the break up he has had another child and dealing with this was hard for me but i understand that he’s what i want. I never come to sites looking for advice but i think its needs as i dont think FB riuned my relationship it just insecure ppl that kill hopes and dreams.
thanks
NIKOLE
In the beginning when my wife created her facebook account, it used to be ok, we uploaded pics and all that but then she started to have this addiction to it; we come home from work (we carpool) in the evening, the first thing she does is to grab the laptop and be on facebook, I mean its no harm if you spend 20-30 minutes on it to catch up, but she does it for the long run, maybe 2- 3 hours a night, I try to spend time with her but she just wants to be on that thing, I try to communicate important things to her regarding the house or bills but it seems that I’m talking to the wall, sometimes I have projects to complete on the computer but there’s no way to do so because she’s wasting everybody’s time on that thing. Our anniversary, you most likely want to spend time alone with your spouse, right? Not in my case, she spent it on facebook than with me. I resent that so much. It’s not that I don’t love her anymore or I don’t want her to be on facebook and she’s not even cheating, its just that there’s more important things than facebook. I tried asking her in a nice way to cut down so we have more time together but I got told off plus no talking treatment for a day. I don’t know what to say anymore, I’m the kind of guy that doesn’t like arguments or even raising my voice. Please Julie, help me. Thanks.
we should not put the blame all time on FB , just you have to be mature and aware of what you ‘re doing . actually , we are the responsible of what we do
I just had my umpteenth fight with my live-in bf over FB. I absolutely hate FB! One friend of mine says it’s the devil, and I believe that. I have read all the postings and basically have experienced everything in this blog! Its maddening because I am now labeled as the jealous, insecure, bitch; the one who is damaging our relationship. Strange because it should be the other way around. The one wishing all of his “girl” friends a wonderful day and constantly checking his FB on his mobile, which is never not by his side, in his hand, or in his pocket, or staring at it while I am trying to converse! This is the one who is damaging our relationship. I feel like I am going CRAZY!
facebook..im am sure ended my relationship that i had for atleast 8 months…me and her sure yes had our problems some what more arguments than normal partners but we loved each other…or at least i showed it 20x more than she ever did.. i started to notice she was talking to a guy, she claims not his ex, but later on she said he was so i was really confuesed.. she also would post new photos of her in many new clothing.. it took her 5 months to change her status from single…to relationship from the day we started going out.. and when she broke up with me…it took her only 4 days to change it to single and adding a heart to it too add happyness i asume.. i can easily add on to facebook ruining it for me that she also used me played me for the prestigie to have a BF before high schoool ended…..
I have a similar problem with Facebook but it’s sort of a role reversal. My “girlfriend” or so-called girl is similarly suspect as her page is private, even though I choose not to be on FB, I happened to look on her page and was/am horrified as to the various interactions she is having from a who’s who of guys. And the flirty nature of these interactions makes in all the more worse and painful. Furthermore, she lies and tells me she going to sleep- only to find out she’s on FB sharing everything about her I though was or should be sacred(with guys). I guess I’m old fashion, yet I don’t think or feel this is cool or appropriate. What makes it worse is I haven’t said anything, though I feel conflicted and realize that she is only being who she is. I feel like I cannot handle this reality. I don’t feel strong enough to break it off and with Christmas coming up, it only makes it all the more complicated. I do love her, but she has and is violating my heart and all that should be just about us. In the end I feel she would rather have FB than me. I really don’t know what to do.
Corey … me and my husband both do Facebook. I love it except I have a lot of guy friends from high school he goes through every guy on my page and questions me all the time god I’m in deep water if I talk to any of them .. he has lots of girls on his page I never say a word cause I trust him. Is there something I’m doing wrong this causes a big fight every time and makes me not even want to talk to my friends cause he will be mad at me.. I told him when we meet I always had lots of guy friends he was fine with it till we got married now its like I’m a bad person….. help me
My ex-wife found her little sister on myspace posting provocative pictures and got so angry at her. She would always say that social networks were meeting places for trouble unless you use it for business networking. Unfortunately our relationship got rocky at one point and we split up, with intentions on working things out through marriage counseling and what not. That was the plan at least until she fell into the pit of sin by signing on for an account herself. She said she was using it to catch up with friends she lost contact with during our marriage. Within a few weeks she was taking half naked pictures of herself and posting them on her page and morphed into some kind of idiot philosopher on life like she found herself through her recent marital experiences. It was so stupid. Next thing I knew she wanted to file for a divorce because she met some weirdo from accross the country that flew her out and knocked her up. When he was through with her she tried to crawl back but the hell with her. I moved on and eventually got remarried. Now my wife of current is talking about wanting a facebook page so she can keep up with her family in another state. Hell no! These social networks turn seemingly normal people into wacked out sex freaks. It deffinately has no place in a relationship because if whoever’s using it isn’t looking for their old sex friend from highschool, they’ll be found by that swinging penis or loose legs one way or the other and then the demise commences.
My ex-wife found her little sister on myspace posting provocative pictures and got so angry at her. She would always say that social networks were meeting places for trouble unless you use it for business networking. Unfortunately our relationship got rocky at one point and we split up, with intentions on working things out through marriage counseling and what not. That was the plan at least until she fell into the pit of sin by signing on for an account herself. She said she was using it to catch up with friends she lost contact with during our marriage. Within a few weeks she was taking half naked pictures of herself and posting them on her page and morphed into some kind of idiot philosopher on life like she found herself through her recent marital experiences. It was so stupid. Next thing I knew she wanted to file for a divorce because she met some weirdo from accross the country that flew her out and knocked her up. When he was through with her she tried to crawl back but the hell with her. I moved on and eventually got remarried. Now my wife of current is talking about wanting a facebook page so she can keep up with her family in another state. Hell no! These social networks turn seemingly normal people into wacked out sex freaks. It deffinately has no place in a relationship because if whoever’s using it doesn’t end up looking for their old sex friend from highschool, they’ll be found by that swinging penis or loose legs one way or the other and then the demise commences.
FB has been a strain on my relationship of almost 2 years. We went to hs together and reunited again on fb. Never dated in hs but eventually started seeing one another. Great person.recently we both engaged in network opportunities. He chose to utilize a private page since it became problmematic on his posts or what i may have percieved as questionalble posts or ads. I was ok with this b/c he was very open with everything but if you are in a committed relationship there should be open communication no matter what – no privacy in my book, if you can’t say it on your page openly then you don’t need it. anyway what has more recently bothered me is that he clicked “like” on the business page of a female’s pic. The problem I have with this is that he has never clicked “like” on any of my pics and has not because once he saw my pics there were other guys that clicked like or made comments to my pic, none have I responded or stated anything to start a conversation. He intentionally does not go to my page so he says because he knows how it feels. I’m like if you don’t say anything positive “openly” or click like on my pics why in the heck can’t you see how that makes me feel when I see you have clicked “like” on another female’s pic although it was regarding work. Still no justification or makes me feel any better!
I’m in the middle of breaking up with my boyfriend, middle meaning I love him but the communication he has with girls on fb is making me insainely jealous and I can’t get him to understand that some of the things he does on fb encourages these girls that are his fb friends. What also complicates the relationship further is that we are in a long distance because of him having to move for college. I think it is disrespectful of him to me to make compliments on pics of other girls accompanied by winkie faces, especially when that girl happens to be a pole dancer with a flawless body. Also i asked him if he’d put a pic of us together as his profile pic and he refused and also refused to tell me why he wouldn’t. This makes me feel that he doesn’t want ppl (girls) to know that he has a gf that he seriously cares about even though its long distance. Also, he would ignore posts that i put on his wall while answering another post by another girl which would make me feel very embarraced. When I confronted him about these things I would get the response like “are u gonna let fb ruin our relationship?” ” your acting very immature” and “seriously, are you bringing up fb again!?” I feel my feelings are justified and i also feel that it’s not fb that is ruining my relationship but it is the tool being used to hurt me through my bf’s careless actions and unwillingness to put himself in my shoes and admit that he’d be just as upset if the same situation were placed on him. Fb makes it easy to flirt and makes it easy to fall into inappropriate behaviour without making yourself responsible because you can demonize the partner complaining by accusing them of being jealous and immature for gettin upset over “a computer program” as I have heard so many times. So my problem is to break up, or not to break up…….
I recently de-friended my boyfriend and de-listed him as in a relationship with me. We both have FB. But now we are separate on it. Why? I’ve discussed with him specific places on his page that upset me, etc. Basically his fraternizing with toxic people from the past. He thinks de-friending them is enough, but they remain on his page in various ways. He claims he does not know how to and says for me to block those people. So I deleted him. That way I am not reminded of this annoyance everytime I get on FB.
My family has been thrown apart from the effects of FB. My mother got addited to FB and started lying and posting things for attention. She would travel and ly to our family to where she went. She blocked all of her child from her account and now our parent are in termoil. The whole family is up in the air. She won’t give up her blackberry and is on it 4-5 hours a DAY!!!! I HATE FB!
I have facebook and I hate it because it has ruined some of my close friendships that I have had with people for a very long time. Also facebook has lead to social problems for my entire family. To me it seems like there is no privacy because you can see just about anything. For example, when my best friend ended her relationship with her boyfriend just about everyone found out about it online. Also she was harrassed by everyone for breaking up with him and she almost killed herself because of what people said about her.
My wife of now 17 years of marriage got a f/b page about a year or so ago. At first it seemed to me a harmless thing.But a few months after she became more interested in f/b than anything else it seemed.I then got a f/b account and friended a few people, mostly co-workers and a few old friends from high school and former co-workers, but NO former girlfriends. I put my status as married and she did confirm. I began to notice that she would hit the escape button anytime I walked into the room. She always seated herself in a position where her screen was hidden and that one could not just walk up on her and see what she was doing. As she became friends with more and more male friends , i will admit that i became concerned that something was going on. My email address has always been open and can be viewed anytime since my email displays on all 3 of our computers in our home. Her hotmail box is secret and can only be veiwed by her. I asked her if she was contacting any former boyfriends or had something going on with someone on f/b. She denied it and said no. Back in August I felt that soemthing was changing as she did not act te same towards me anymore. She had lots of pics on facebook, and i was in one of them. She never made mention of me or us on her f/b. I will admit at first it didn’t really bother me but after viewing many of my friends pages and saw that they would have pics of themselves with their spouses doing things or make fun comments about each other, I only became more suspicious. I suspected f/b and an old boyfriend. Eventually I discovered that her coworker from Iowa was a friend of my wifes old boyfriend in Colorado..what a small world. Then i saw that my wifes brother (south dakota) was also a friend of this same old boyfrend. I suspected that it was this guy. I asked her about it again and she denied it. My birthday was coming and I the one person that I wanted to wish me happy birthday on f/b more than anything was my wife. I woke that morning, my birthday, to my wife getting out of bed an hour earlier than usual. Then later that morning I logged onto f/b hoping to see that b/d wish post from her. Instead the only posts that morning were that she had accepted a few more friends that morning. I got the phone records from sprint and yeah, she was phoning that old boyfriend. Over an hour once, 45 minutes the next time. A text. She said they met on f/b. I HATE FACEBOOK!
It is how you use Facebook that can cause marriage disasters. I think everone can be vulnerable at some point in their marriage (In defense of my wife that I still love). This is some of what I believe happened: A guy for whom she once had feelings for, lived with and loved, was seeking her or she was seeking him out, they found each other on f/b. They exchanged private messages, phone calls, pictures, texts. He told her what she wanted to hear. She heard what she wanted to hear. He lives in a beautiful scenic area of the country. Just what she misses. She remembers only the good times that they had. She is hearing what she wants to hear. She still finds him attractive. She is caught up in the fantasy. Sounds like a beautiful romantic story. No one will find out. But the reality is that this is the kind of stuff that is happening all the time on F/B. After having this happen to me , I am hearing other stories like this from other friends and hearing it on the tv and radio.
Prince charming is just one of thousands of other men (and women) out there on facebook looking to score with an old flame and if one of them is married it just makes it that more exciting. They are going to say whatever it takes to get the job done. They have no interest in a long term relationship with you, nor do they care that what they are doing is going to hurt other people. And for some it is like a trophy to score someone elses wife or husband. When the trust is gone, it is hard to put it back together. Bottom line is : if you are doing something in your marriage that you have to hide from your spouse….. you probably shouldn’t be doing it.
Facebook is full of this crap!
I am an ex wife and my ex husband found me on facebook and classmates.com. I informed him not to contact me but he still does so I had to block him. I don’t have time for drama. I have gone on with my life and very happy.
I too have had an unfortunate experience with FB and I am here to say that it can cause alot of relationships issues if the party is not open and honest. I had been involved with someone going on 2 years. We recently had a child (3mos) and were talking marriage. But from the beginning I noticed a secret online life, and I later discovered friends, that FaceBook was just the tip of the iceberg. He would post old pictures of girlfriends and friends, people he hadn’t spoken to in years, or so he would say. But never one acknowledging me or of his “ACTIVE” friends and family. It was like he was a completely different person online, and I didn’t catch that until things came to a head. I forgave him last year for a number of things, from infidelity to being caught “out there online” in questionable conversations and situations with others. The straw was after forgiving him (not forgetting) I noticed his FB page was littered with women, woman he didn’t know. Now I said NOTHING, because I was not going to snoop or pry. What got me was my 19 year old son showed me pages of mutual friends of my families, and when he saw I knew how to navigate FB without having to be a persons friends, he began acting weirdly. A few weeks later, his family told me they posted pictures of our new baby on their pages. Mind you, I got rid of (DELETED) my FB page a long time ago and only have LinkedIn, because I witnessed FIRSTHAND the trouble it caused so many people and relationships, but I NEVER forced him or even asked him to take his page down. It was his business and I decided to extend trust to him. So I asked him if he also had put pics of our baby up like his family. He respondd back that he had DELETED his FB and no longer had it anymore. It was so weird to me, that my instinct kicked in and said…but I don’t believe him. I checked, and his profile was gone. So I chose to believe him, but in the back of my mind, something told me. Uh huh, revisit that one. This was 2 months ago. During that time I recently found out that a former sex partner and he met for a “private martial arts lesson” he misled me into believing he was taking lessons from a co-worker, but later admitted he got his first lesson from her. I see. So last night, I simply went to his sisters page. Because what these simple minded folks don’t understand, is that, if you have mutual friends and family, if their your friends, and you re-activate your profile, well guess what, all I have to do is look at their friends and find you. Sure enough there was his profile. But when I typed in his name (he has an unsual name) I couldn’t get it that way as before and that told me that he de-activated, set his profile to private, and then re-activated and basically lied. Mainly he did it to get out of posting pics of his new baby, but secondarilyn and more importantly to keep me from looking at his friends or his page. After that, that was it for me. This man is 37, with a grown college age daughter and a newborn. He had no reason to lie or hide, but since our new start after the baby I have found two red flags that demonstrate that this relationship and even his daughter is not more important than his online (FAKE) life. So I cut my losses on the spot. I say to people dealing with this, if they are NOT willing to live a real life with you, cut your losses and let then have their fantasy. Sooner or later reality will hit.
Where do I start!! I have a problem!! Been together with my fella 2.5 years, both got fb and we both never had a problem at beginning. am always open with all and would give my pass word to him. It started a year ago his ex was sending him thongs via fb game thing, I said look it’s not right I mentioned this too her she said it was random to all and happened to go to him !! Well sorry but I would never do that as I’d be feeling very weird if bro in law got one lol I said u don’t need or speak to her via fb so delete, all kids stuff goes via phone. So he deleted… another situation … We both have male and female friends , we add and don’t ask as ye it’s all for world to see , if I wanted to ask how do u no em I would , same with him … but jan this year our main big problem I can not get over I have issues !!! Lol he went out on a rugby do as normal, playing a game then out with friends, we don’t live with each other so I said fri , I will see u Monday… I looked on fb later that day to find out they were seeing a stripper that night which I would of been fine with but he never told me … Hmmmm , then later that day he text saying he played a really good game of rugby that day but they lost…. Only to find out again via fb they were no game and it was canceled at 1 pm he text at 4pm.. . He can lie as much as he wants but fb does tell me truth, never let me down … Men so silly lol. Next day he adds 2 girls fine no problems , then next day. They was not on his wall he had moved from his page so I could not see, few weeks later he was keeping his friends that he was adding from his profile wall but his friends numbers were adding up… I spoke but he denied , we fell out . I finally got it out of him he was being one of lads and that’s why he did what he did, every thing is out now but at time I said look if ya want a private fb. You can and were not friends on there. I now am getting para, getting mates to check his wall ect, he says he will delete his account but no it would be tell her I delete but activate it when he wanted, so they would be a lie there, plus fb is dropping him in it lol iv said we will swap details but no he said don’t want but now will go throw his friends lust and delete the randoms. What do we do, is it fb or him. I want us both to delete but then why should I as I have not caused any problems , or do we have a joint one???? Advice needed…
going up lol . They do say it’s the stuff they hide that’s a problem.
If people are really joining Fb for keeping in touch with friends and family then they should have no problem setting up an account and leaving it open at all times including sharing the pw with spouse or significant other. At first Fb is a little consuming, it’s exciting to catch up with people all over the country that you may not otherwise see until your 20th high school reunion. This site can be used as a dating site, but only if that is how the user chooses to use it. My mom lives 70 miles one direction, and my sister lives 90 miles the other direction. My sister and I have completely different schedules and fb has been a good way for us all to keep in touch. My mom and her sisters used to do conference calls on a speaker and to me, this is the new-age version of that. If you are going to be into hanky-panky on fb, it means you will do it on dating sites, texting, etc. Fb is then just another avenue. If you are worried about temptation (we are only human after all) give your S.O. your password and make it clear to anyone poking, msg’ing, or otherwise making contact with you that your S.O. has full access to your account and has no qualms about contacting THEIR spouse if they choose to become inappropriate. That tends to shut that stuff down pretty quick. My usual line is “my wife has full access to my account, and man is she jealous, and she is scary when she is angry, she won’t even play, game over….” that has shut down some pretty aggressive male phishers. She did even call one guy and set him straight, offered to forward his inappropriate pics to his commander. These he sent even after I was clear about being in a committed relationship. I have not heard from that guy since, lol. As far as priorities, it is easy to spend and hour on Fb without it seeming like any time has gone by at all. But that is true with watching Ebay, or surfing the net in general. I downloaded an alarm for my computer and set it to let me know when 10 or 15 minutes has gone by, especially when I need to sleep to work all night. It is just like any other distraction. How mad would you get at your spouse if he/she was reading a book or knitting instead of being on the computer. Obviously you can’t neglect your obligations for any reason. Computers and the internet are not going anywhere, people need to either learn to prioritize it or convert to Amish.
I am a divorce attorney in Texas. Facebook, myspace, and the Internet in general has created many situations where I have been hired. Great for business but horible for relationships. People will send an email or post that they wouldn’t share with their best friend, mom or preacher. Marriage and kids are hard. The grass always looks greener on the other side but if you cross the fence your side always gets burned. The first thing I do when I get hired on a divorce or custody case is make my clients shut their pages down. I’ve never won a case because of facebook, but I have lost a few because of it.
Inunderstand the,” I just want to keep up with my old friends,” but every person that I think I need to keep up with knows my email and cell phone number. Most people in the united states get divorced. Facebook increases the odds.
Thanks for the business facebook.
hi.
i been merry for ten years with two children . since my wife start to use facebook our relationship is been down hill. she keeps the password hiding from my . she said that i dont trust her. she has males friends when i tell her before that i did no agree to . some of the girl friends are become too close to her. and are given her bad advises. now she is looking for any excuse so she can tell me anything to make feel bad.
she is been thinking in to live separate , so she can be in parties with the friends… the marriage and kids arent important any more.
we broke up because she could even jump out of bed in the midst of romance just to check her facebook alerts whenever her blackberry beeps!
Ive been married for 8 years and suddenly my wife accepts a guy as her friend I blow up the reason being before that she had met this guy from a different county well I found out and we argued and now this guy is feom the same county well I got 2 and made 1 so I came to conclusion that its the same guy well she un friend me from her facebook and kept the other guy. Now was I wrong about coming to her and telling her… My realationship is rocking now im fighting not to lose my wife we got together when we were teenagers ……. Im 25 now …….what can I do now but yes facebook has screwd up my family my wife and my two daughters……….
Awaiting more posts!
My site is on Beach wedding.